Breaking Free from the Drama Triangle: Understanding the Roles We Play

Have you ever found yourself stuck in the same argument over and over - whether at home, with friends, or at work? Chances are, you were caught in what psychologist Stephen Karpman called the Drama Triangle. It’s a simple yet powerful model that shows how people get trapped in patterns of blame, rescue and victimhood. Here we will explore how we can break free.

The Victim

The Victim feels powerless, hard done by, or incapable of changing their situation. They often look for someone to rescue them or blame for their struggles.

This could look like...

In families: A teenager says, “You never let me do anything - it’s not fair.”

At work: An employee sighs, “My boss gives me impossible tasks; I can’t win.” - "Why do I always end up like this?"

Victims avoid responsibility by seeing themselves as helpless, which invites others to step in or criticize.

The Rescuer

The Rescuer jumps in to fix the Victim’s problems - sometimes without being asked. Though it seems caring, rescuing often enables dependency and prevents real growth.

This could look like...

In families: A parent always does a child’s chores because “they’re too tired.”

At work: A coworker repeatedly stays late to cover for a teammate who’s behind. Thoughts could be: "They need me.” / “If I step back, things will fall apart.” / “I can help them see it clearly"

Rescuers thrive on being needed, but often end up exhausted and resentful.

The Villian

The Villain/Persecutor blames, criticizes, or controls others. They use anger, rules, or guilt to maintain power.

This could look like...

In families: A partner snaps, “You’re so lazy - I have to do everything!”

At work: A manager barks, “You never get anything right!”. An employee may think "Management are all so dysfunctional".

Villains/Persecutors create fear and shame, which pushes others deeper into Victim mode.

How the Roles Feed Each Other

The magic and the trap of the Drama Triangle is that these roles constantly shift.

A Rescuer who feels unappreciated might lash out and become the Persecutor.

A Victim who feels attacked might turn around and blame someone else.

A Villain/Persecutor who feels guilty might try to make it up by rescuing.

It’s a cycle that keeps everyone stuck and no one truly satisfied.

How step out of the drama

The good news....You can move from drama to empowerment by shifting your mindset and behavior.

This is called the Empowerment Triangle:

Victim becomes Creator: Instead of saying “I can’t,” ask, “What can I do?”. When you feel stuck, shift focus to what you can create or choose - e.g., “I can choose to redefine my boundaries or exit.”

Rescuer becomes Coach: Rather than fixing others, ask, “What do you need right now?”. “What might help you move forward?” rather than offering solutions or sympathy.

Villain/Persecutor becomes Challenger: Set boundaries and hold others accountable respectfully, not through blame or control. Instead of criticising or withdrawing, you challenge the system respectfully: “I’m noticing this pattern - what would help us work differently?”

Using the Empowerment Triangle

Recognising the Drama Triangle in your own relationships, whether in your family, friendships, or workplace is the first step toward breaking free.

When we step out of blame and take responsibility for our choices, we move from drama to dialogue, from reactivity to real connection.

It can be helpful to explore the dynamics of the Drama Triangle with a qualified therapist or coach. Please do get in touch if you want to work on this with me.