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When Guilt Becomes Shame and Shame Becomes Blame

Nicky Stewart

Sep 8, 2026

Understanding Our Emotional Triggers

Do you ever have a moment when something seemingly small touches something much deeper within you? Sometimes it can be a comment from a partner; a look of disappointment; being corrected at work; making a mistake; someone becoming distant; being told that we have hurt someone or maybe a disagreement in which we feel misunderstood.


In those moments, our emotional response can sometimes feel far greater than the event itself. We may become defensive, angry, tearful, apologetic, withdrawn or overwhelmed. Afterwards, we may wonder:


"Why did I react like that?"

Often, the answer lies somewhere in the complicated relationship between guilt, shame and blame. These 3 emotions are so linked and often come into the therapy room to unpick. They all involve our relationship with ourselves, other people and our sense of belonging. When they are triggered, they can quickly pull us out of the present moment and into much older emotional territory. I find that gaining an understanding of the difference between them can help us interrupt the cycle.




What is guilt?


Although we often use guilt and shame interchangeably, psychological research has generally distinguished between them. Guilt makes us feel that 'I did something wrong' and tends to focus on a behaviour, action or decision. This could look like:

  • I said something hurtful

  • I forgot something important

  • I let someone down

  • I made a mistake

  • I didn't act in the way I wanted to


Healthy guilt can actually have an important function. It can help us recognise when we have acted against our values or caused harm. It can motivate us to apologise, repair, learn and make a different choice next time.


What is shame?


Shame tends to have us feeling 'There is something wrong with me', - this is where things become much more painful. Shame takes an action or experience and turns it into an identity. We may witness this happening when instead of saying, 'I made a mistake' we may think, 'I'm useless' or instead of, 'I hurt someone', shame says 'I'm a terrible person'. Whereas guilt focuses on what we have done, shame focuses on who we believe we are.


This can sometimes trigger a 'shame spiral' - take a look at the image below and see if anything here resonates:

Image credit: SelfLoveRainbow


How does blame fit in?


Blame is slightly different because it can be directed either inward or outward. We can blame ourselves by saying:

  • It's all my fault

  • I should have known

  • I ruin everything

  • I always make the wrong choices


Or we can blame someone else:


  • This is because of you

  • You made me feel this way

  • If you hadn't done that...

  • You're the problem.


Sometimes blame is appropriate. People do need to take responsibility for their behaviour. Recognising harm, injustice or accountability is important. But blame becomes problematic when it is used to escape vulnerability.

Blaming someone else protects us from feeling guilt, whereas blaming ourselves protects us from feeling angry with someone we depend upon and sometimes both are ways of protecting ourselves from the much more unbearable experience underneath: Shame.



Donald Nathanson - Compass of Shame


One of the most useful psychological models for understanding shame reactions comes from psychiatrist Donald Nathanson. He developed what became known as the Compass of Shame. His model suggests that when shame becomes difficult to tolerate, we tend to move towards one or more of four responses:


  1. Withdrawal - 'I need to get away from this' - we may hide, go quiet, disappear, avoid eye contact, stop responding, or isolate ourselves. The underlying feeling may be that if I disappear, nobody can see what is wrong with me.


  2. Attack Self - 'It really is all my fault' - we may become our own harshest critic, punish ourselves before anyone else can or might think: I'm stupid; I'm selfish; I'm a failure; I ruin everything. Sometimes attacking ourselves can feel strangely protective. If I criticise myself first, perhaps nobody else can hurt me as much.


  3. Avoidance - 'I don't want to feel this' - we may distract oursleves, numb, deny, keep busy, seek stimulation, avoid the conversation, or avoid the feeling. The aim is often to escape awareness of the shame itself.


  4. Attack Other - 'This isn't about me. It's about you.' - we could turn the discomfort outward. We may criticise, blame, become sarcastic, attack, humiliate, become contemptuous but the underlying emotional movement may be that if I can make you the problem, I don't have to feel that I am the problem.




Brené Brown explains the 3 pillars of Shame

Leading American academic, researcher and author Brené Brown outlines the three pillars of shame; the result of years of research in her book 'Atlas of the Heart' (2021):


  1. We all experience shame. It is universal. It is a primitive emotion shared by everyone (unless they cannot feel empathy or the capacity for human connection).

  2. It’s not easy to talk about shame. Even mentioning the word 'shame' can lead to an experience of the emotion and evoke a strong sense of fear.

  3. Talking about it brings a sense of freedom from the constraints of shame. That freedom can give us the strength to overcome the toxic feelings and move forward in life.




Using Metaphor to process complex emotions

Just as Brown tells stories to support understanding of complex emotions, I too advocate for the power of metaphor for emotional expression and transformation. My approach in the therapy room always invites connection to story and metaphor if this resonates for my clients. We can feel seen when we connect to a story, the characters or setting that may depict complex feelings into a relatable narrative.


There is an old fairy tale about a princess and a frog - do you remember it from childhood? Most of us know the softened version - a princess kisses a frog and he turns into a prince. But the older version of the tale is much darker! The princess does not welcome the frog, she does not gently kiss him, she is repulsed by him and tries to leave him behind. She does not want him near her! But when the frog follows her home and asks to be let inside, she becomes angry.


The Frog Prince - colour illustrations by Walter Crane, 1874, George Routledge and Sons.


In the Brothers Grimm version, the princess eventually throws the frog against the wall - it is then that he transforms. I LOVE this version! It may not make a very good Disney film but perhaps this old story has something to teach us about the emotions we most struggle to welcome into ourselves.


Don't you feel that sometimes our emotions are a little like the frog and wouldn't we would rather leave them behind, at the pond, outside the palace, outside the door, outside our awareness – we don’t always want to acknowledge our anger, jealousy, vulnerability, need, fear, mistakes, guilt or shame. But the parts of ourselves that we reject have a curious habit of following us home and eventually, they knock at the door – LOUDLY!



The Frog at the Door

The Frog Prince - colour illustrations by Walter Crane, 1874, George Routledge and Sons.


Maybe the frog represents the difficult emotion or part of ourselves that we do not want to acknowledge. We may have learned growing up that these feelings were unacceptable. Maybe we were taught, directly or indirectly:

• Don't be so sensitive

• Don't be angry

• Don't make a fuss

• You should know better

• What is wrong with you?

• Stop crying

• You've disappointed me

• You ought to be ashamed of yourself


So we learnt that some parts of ourselves are welcome, while others must remain outside. We learn to become the good little girl or boy. The strong one. The helpful one. The successful one. The one who doesn't need anything. The one who doesn't make mistakes. The one who keeps everybody happy….. But eventually, the frog comes knocking.


Maybe someone criticises us, we make a mistake, someone is disappointed in us or we disappoint ourselves, perhaps we are rejected or someone sees something in us that we desperately hoped to hide - then suddenly, there is the frog! The feeling we didn't want. The part of ourselves we thought we had left behind!



The Purpose of Our Difficult Emotions

One of the problems we have in modern life is that we often divide emotions into two categories: good emotions and bad emotions - we want happiness, peace, love, confidence, joy and we often want to get rid of the guilt, shame, anger, fear, jealousy or grief. But emotions are not simply good or bad - they are information for us.


Feelings and emotions are part of the extraordinary system through which our body and mind help us navigate relationships, danger, belonging and survival. The Frog Prince story becomes even more interesting when we remember the role of the father, The King.


The Frog Prince - colour illustrations by Walter Crane, 1874, George Routledge and Sons.



When the frog arrives at the palace, the princess wants nothing to do with him. She has made a promise, but she regrets it. She wants to break it. Her father reminds her that she made a promise, that she must honour her word. The King can represent an important psychological function. The voice of values, rules, responsibility, morality, conscience – he reminds us that our behaviour matters.


Does your inner 'King' voice become harsh or critical?

Many of us carry voices inside us that did not originally belong to us: The disappointed parent; a critical teacher; an angry authority figure; a demanding caregiver. Over time, these voices can become internalised. We begin to speak to ourselves as we were once spoken to. The external King becomes an internal King.



Why Triggers Can Feel So Powerful

A trigger occurs when something in the present awakens something that carries meaning from the past. Someone criticises you or ignores/overlooks you and suddenly you may feel like that little boy or girl again. This is when a shame spiral can be triggered. Then suddenly me may throw the frog against the wall!



How Do We Begin to Heal?

This is why I’ve created a 9 step approach to recovering from the toxic effect of guilt, blame and shame. Download your worksheet here.



Healing does not mean that we will never feel guilt, shame or anger again - These emotions are part of being human. Healing means learning to recognise:

  • What am I feeling?

  • Why might I be feeling it?

  • What is this emotion trying to tell me?

  • Is this about now, or is something older being activated?

  • And most importantly: can I stay with myself while I feel this?


FOOTNOTE: No frogs were harmed in the making of this blog 🐸





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Nicola Stewart, Basepoint, Pine Grove, Crowborough, East Sussex, TN6 1DH, England, UK

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