Nicky Stewart
Jul 15, 2026
Anticipatory, Ambiguous and Disenfranchised Grief Explained
The one truth I see again and again in my work is that grief exists because of our ability to connect and love so greatly! We grieve people - but we also grieve identities, dreams, places, stages of life, relationships, health, certainty, safety and the future we imagined.
This grief can be a feeling that is hard to name, soothe or regulate. Sometimes it is not until we enter into therapy that we can name this confusing feeling as loss, as it can be packaged up as anxiety; exhaustion; numbness; difficulty concentrating; anger; restlessness; withdrawal; overworking; perfectionism; loss of purpose; physical symptoms - all of which we often grapple with and may end up unconsciously...
blaming others
projecting it onto situations that evoke the same feelings
feeling helpless
There are many forms of grief that often remain invisible:
Bereavement grief - following the death of someone we love.
Anticipatory grief - where we begin grieving before the loss occurs. This may happen when someone has a terminal illness, during dementia, when a relationship is ending, the ageing process/passage of time, death anxiety, or when we sense a significant life change approaching.
Disenfranchised grief - where society doesn't fully recognise the loss. This includes miscarriage, infertility, estrangement, the loss of a pet, transitions, redundancy, retirement, the end of a friendship, or grieving someone who is still alive but no longer emotionally available.
Cumulative grief - where multiple losses build over time without space to process them.
Ambiguous grief - where there is no clear ending or closure. Someone may be physically present but psychologically absent, as in dementia, addiction or profound mental illness.
We are grieving more than we realise. Many people today are carrying layers of loss. They may be grieving:
a version of themselves before an illness
children growing up or leaving home
ageing parents
changing careers
financial security
divorce or separation
communities that no longer exist
hopes/dreams or plans that have been lost
living in an uncertain world
Sometimes we may just say, 'I don't feel like myself right now'. More often that not grief is sitting beneath those words when we dig deeper.
What grief asks of us
I always feel that perhaps grief is less about letting go and more about learning to hold the feelings differently. It asks us to slow down in a culture today that values productivity! Grief changes us - it reminds us of what it means to be deeply human.
We often think grief is something to fix but perhaps it is something just to witness. When grief is recognised, named and shared, it becomes less lonely. We can wonder at our capacity to love, to attach, to hope and to imagine. Those capacities remain, even after loss. Grief is not the opposite of love; it is love's continuation when what we cherish has changed or gone. That perspective doesn't diminish the pain. But it reminds us that grief is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is one of the most universal expressions of us being human.
“The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment. To ignore this fact, or to pretend that it is not so, is to put on emotional blinkers which leave us unprepared for the losses that will inevitably occur in our own lives and unprepared to help others cope with losses in theirs.”
Dr. Colin Murray Parkes
How to support your feelings
Name the loss - One of the most healing things we can do is simply acknowledge, 'This is a loss to me'. Whether you've experienced the end of a relationship, retirement, infertility, chronic illness, redundancy, or a change in identity, giving yourself permission to call it grief can be so validating.
Give yourself permission to feel - Grief rarely follows a linear path. You may feel sadness one day, anger the next, relief alongside guilt, or hope mixed with longing. All of these emotions can coexist. Rather than asking, 'How do I stop feeling this?' try asking, 'What is this feeling trying to tell me?'
Let go of timelines - There is no deadline for adapting to change. Society often expects us to 'bounce back' quickly, but meaningful losses take time to integrate. Healing isn't linear and it's rarely predictable. Progress often looks like having more moments of peace rather than the absence of pain.
Honour what has changed - Create your own rituals to acknowledge the transition. This might be:
writing a goodbye letter to a former version of yourself
creating a memory box
planting something in recognition of a life chapter
marking significant anniversaries
journalling about what you've learned - journal prompts here
walking a labyrinth with intention - Labyrinths are an ancient archetype dating back 4,000 years or more. They are used symbolically, as a walking meditation and tools for personal, psychological and spiritual transformation. Guidelines here. Download a template here. Rituals help our minds and bodies recognise that something important has shifted.
taking it on a Pilgrimage - The British Pilgrimage Trust says this can 'heal our mind, body and soul and connects us to places, communities, history and landscapes, enriching our lives through the feelings they evoke.'
Stay connected - Grief often encourages us to withdraw, yet gentle connection is one of the greatest protective factors. Spend time with people who allow you to speak honestly without trying to 'fix' you. Sometimes the greatest gift isn't advice it's actually being witnessed or feeling understood.
Care for your body - Loss affects the whole person. You may notice changes in sleep, appetite, concentration or energy. Try to prioritise: regular meals; hydration; movement that feels kind rather than punishing; time outdoors; adequate rest. Looking after your body supports your nervous system while it adapts.
Accept that your identity may be changing - Many non-death losses challenge who we believe ourselves to be. You may want to reflect, 'Who am I becoming now'? See here for a map of this descent and rising.
Limit comparisons - Grief isn't measured by the size of the event but by the meaning attached to it. Try and avoid telling yourself that others have it worse; I shouldn't feel this upset; It was only a job; It was only a friendship.
Find meaning, not reasons - We don't always get answers to why things happened but sometimes over time, many people discover meaning through: strengthened relationships; greater self-awareness; new priorities; increased compassion; deeper resilience. Often with time we find that meaning emerges.
Seek support when needed - If your grief feels overwhelming or persistent, reaching out is a sign of strength. Talking with a counsellor, psychologist or trusted professional can provide a safe space to explore your experience without judgement. You don't have to carry loss alone.
References
'Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life', Dr. Colin Murray Parkes
British Pilgrimage Trust https://www.britishpilgrimage.org/
Types of Grief, Ambiguous Loss UK, https://www.ambiguousloss.uk/types-of-grief.html
Blue Cross - Pet loss charity https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-loss
Irvin Yalom, Death Anxiety, Psychotherapy.net